New year, new me?

Before I start: I know. It’s been 873 years since I last did a post (and that is no exaggeration).

I was always thiiis close to writing one, but then life got in the way.

I thought I would give you guys an update of what is going on in my life, and then end this with a list of my resolutions for the new decade.

So, last time I spoke to you I was working as an Editor at this teeny tiny online magazine. I gained so many invaluable skills while working there, but unfortunately, I had to leave when term started to focus on my studies.

Since then, I had been doing various freelance writing jobs in order to fund my way through third year, you can view my articles by clicking here.

I also had my first ever article published in a real printed newspaper! In fact, I had two! They were both about the Hong Kong protests, which I hope to write about in my blog later this month.

I have done a seemingly endless amount of assignments and exams for my degree, and have been on the hunt for a graduate job. I am currently waiting to hear back from a leading national newspaper that I had an interview with, I am hoping to hear back tomorrow.

So, what is the point of this post?

Well, I was thinking so hard about what my comeback post would be, and it felt like the longer I didn’t post, the better my comeback needed to be.

And then I stopped.

And then I thought.

And then I remembered.

This is my blog. I can write about whatever the hell I want to. So I wrote this.

And now I am back and have broken the ice, I am ready to get back into writing regular posts.

With that thought in mind, I want to share with you all my 2020 resolutions.

  1. Be kinder to myself. That means being understanding of myself, patient with myself. I saw a tweet once that essentially said that you should only talk to yourself in the same way you’d talk to a friend. Would you tell a friend that they’re letting people down? Would you tell a friend that they are ___? No, so why tell yourself that?
  2. Get fit, stay sickening. Now, I have never felt the need to be super skinny. But, I found out recently that I have gained a considerable amount of weight in a year, and I am tired of it. My goal is to lose 2 dress sizes by my graduation (in July).
  3. Work even harder. I have always been a grafter, and work hard for what I want. But, if I am being totally honest, I could always have spent just a few extra hours revising or job hunting or working on my essays. If I want a good outcome for my life, I need to be more disciplined and stop glorifying being lazy as ‘self-care’!

That’s all I have so far as I don’t want to set myself too much to work at. You have to be honest, and sometimes part of honesty is admitting when you’re doing things… well… right.

I am feeling so anxious about hearing back from this job interview. I felt like it went well, but my nerves got the best of me and caused me to have a bit of verbal diarrhoea, so I am hoping that my (very lovely) interviewer recognises that it was nerves, rather than me being a loud-mouthed prick.

Do let me know down in the comments below what your new year’s resolutions are as I am always so interested to hear what people are working towards!

4. I promise to do more of what I love (which includes writing to you guys!)

Lots of love, from Evie x

Mother Nature’s Solo

The woodpecker takes the role of percussion,

the bubbling brook,

the coo of a distant bird.

The melodic sound of the wind blowing through the trees,

the delicate crunch of leaves under the hoof of a passing deer,

the gentle humming of a bumble bee.

As the sun wakes upand sings her morning song.

The world is an orchestra,

building to a crescendo,

conducted by Mother Nature.

And you are the audience,

giving it the standing ovation it deserves.

O.C.Dear

For the past few weeks, I have been attending therapy on campus, every Friday at 14:00 after work with Winnie. I was very nervous before attending, as I have a fear that people won’t believe my mental illnesses, or take them seriously. I did what I usually do: obsessively research what to expect from your first therapy session every night until 3am, and talk aloud to myself for hours; planning what I am going to say.

I see this as being well-prepared, but others have pointed out that these actions are verging on the neurotic.

My first therapy session was better than I could ever had expected. Winnie is really nice, and asked me questions I had never even considered (which is probably good since I could not prepare, and so my answers were more spontaneous and authentic).

The sessions all compiled of mini breakthroughs, and Winnie pointing out several patterns in my thinking and behaviour. It’s nice to see that my mental health issues are not completely random, rather follow a common theme. It makes me feel less out of control and paranoid, and I can now better recognise when I may be in a situation where I may feel anxious.

The most interesting thing to come from my sessions is the alternative diagnosis that Winnie unofficially gave me.

Winnie thinks that I was misdiagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and instead suffer from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

I would be lying if I said that this diagnosis did not come as a surprise. I always thought of OCD suffers being people who are incessantly clean, particular, and washed their hands non-stop. My mum will be the first person to tell you that I have never been the tidiest person in the world; although I make a more conscious effort to keep things orderly.

It turns out that OCD is a little more complicated than hand-washing and turning the lights on and off 20 times.

DSM 5 classifies OCD as:

OCD is characterised by the presence of obsessions and/or compulsions. Obsessions are recurrent and persistent thoughts, urges, or images that are experienced as intrusive and unwanted, whereas compulsions are repetitive behaviors or mental acts that an individual feels driven to perform in response to an obsession or according to rules that must be applied rigidly.

The word “rule” sticks out to me because, as Winnie pointed out to me, I create my own bizarre rules. These rules give me comfort and a sense of order.

It would be hard to explain these rules to you, especially as a lot of them 1) barely make sense to me and 2) they work more in context. But a few include:

  • assigning particular items to particular people (ie. when making tea for people, I mentally assign mugs to each person, and get agitated if they do not adhere to which one they have been set)
  • clenching muscles equally on both sides of my body (if my right armpit twitches, I have to make my left armpit do the same or it feels uncomfortable)
  • stressing myself out because I am convinced I have to do a task or I will get in trouble (despite no one ever telling me to do these things or threatening me)

As you can see, my compulsions are fairly small and easy to miss, so this is why I appreciate being able to take advantage of the free therapy services that my university offers.

I don’y know much about OCD, and as I learn more about the disorder and more about myself then I will update you!

Love from Evie x

Fair Maiden

One man’s ruins is another man’s castle.

Turrets, four; guarding against an enemy unknown.

Up the tight corkscrew staircase

Uneven and crumbling,

lit only by the moon through slit windows.

There she is found.

Fair maiden, damsel in distress.

Yet, her sword tongue cuts through your shield.

Her eyes impale, with a glare that says,

“You can not save me.”

For the dragon to be slain,

lives inside the princess.

Sweet Nothings

Much a sweet nothings exchanged from lip to ear and lip to ear.

A shout into the void will receive a reply, my love, I promise you this.

The moon is our moon, the sun belongs to us.

The reason for the universe is simply for us to be.

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Go to your happy place

“Go to your happy place”

lying on a beach in a far away country

with the sun holding you as you drift to sleep,

the gentle breaking of waves singing you a lullaby again again again,

icing sugar sand is your pillow; soft and warm it relaxes you as you let it run through your fingers

but i much prefer the sharp pain of winter on my nose,

artificial warmth from a woollen blanket,

holding my favourite mug with both hands and allowing it to scald my palms,

hard rain incessantly tapping on my window, like they’re canon fodder for a machine gun

familiar shivers running through my body, rocking me like a baby

This is my happy place